Remember

Moses wrote that we should write the commandments on our doorpost and on our hearts. He said that we should be telling testimonies of what God has done every morning, evening and night. That we should tell them to our children so that one day when they are ready to understand they will ask us why. Why do we do the things we do? Why do we serve this God? Why do we care for the oppressed? Why do we rest when everyone else keeps working? Why are we different?

...because we were once hated and oppressed slaves. And the crazy thing about it is that we walked into it freely. We serve this God because he was the one who reached out his mighty hand and brought us out of the oppression and slavery and into freedom. He brought us into life like he'd promised to us long ago.

Moses wrote deuteronomy at the end of his life. It's the final words and wishes of a dieing man. You can hear the longing in his words. He's longing that these people would trust his words as wisdom. He's longing that these people would continue to walk in faith because he knows how dark the slavery was. He was the only one left from those dark days. He had seen with his own eyes the oppression. It wasn't just a story that he had heard some old person tell. He had lived in it and had felt it's destruction.

He's longing for the new generation to understand.

Over and over he tells them to remember. "don't forget what you have been saved from so that you won't go back!", he pleads.

On the days when you feel so far away from that land of slavery that it feels like a distant dream. On the days when you can't really remember the darkness very well and you begin to forget how it felt to be freed. On the days when you forget that at one point you were freed from the thing that is starting to look appetizing again...

...remember.

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Mourning

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted...

This trip is like a bookend. It's like the end of a section of my life.

It's been a little over a year since I was here. I remember the walkways and the nasty lake and the cluster of buildings and the great piano in the main meeting room.

How I wish that I could jog by the gazebo and hear Emily play something sweet. I wish I could borrow the white mini van and block AP in. I wish I could hear Beverly processing through the things she's been learning. I wish I could work on a prayer card while the parade of speakers carries on. I wish I could go eat outside with my best friend. And I wish that I was bright eyed and heading off on my Great Polish Adventure.

I look back and I think... How much have I lost. I mourn today.

No, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything because I know it's been the road to here--healing and hopefilled life that's been breathed deep into me. I'm being restored. I'm being renewed. I'm being redeemed. But at the same time, there's been such a great loss that I find myself mourning those losses today.

But the hope is this... In my mourning, he is here and he is near. In my weeping, he sees me and holds me tightly in his arms. In my brokenness, he draws near and he accepts me like this--exactly where I am. Exactly how I am. For he is the God of the oppressed, the hurting, the broken, the lost, the fpo dropouts...

He is my God in whom I find rest.

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Voice

I closed my eyes and breathed in deep and there before me was a woman...

She was tall and skinny-bones hung on flesh like one who had been kept locked in chains and oppressed. I asked her, Who are you? She said, Voice. I could see a gentleness in her but also a strength that came from deep within. Her voice was that of strength yet full of compassion and wisdom. I asked her, What do you speak? She said immediately and without hesitation, Truth. I speak Truth. When she said this I knew it was a deep Truth. Like Truth that was spoken before the foundations of the earth. But still she was so frail and emaciated. And so I asked, But why do you look like this? She said, Because fear has kept me quiet. He has bound my hands and my feet and locked the door behind me. But though my body has wasted away, I am still strong. And I summoned fear to come near. He came and stood. We talked and he explained himself. When he finished, I charged him to step back and to release Voice. I told him that it is time that she be heard. It is time that she speak truth. And I asked fear to begin a new job. Instead of oppression, use your gifts to warn the house. Use your gifts to blow a trumpet at the threat of on coming attacks. Because if Voice speaks, then some will not like it. The House needs warning to establish its defense. With this, fear stepped aside, eager and excited about his new duty. And I looked at Voice and said to her, be who you were made to be. At this, she began to grow even taller. She was still skinny as a reed but she was fuller and healthier and stronger. And I said, Voice, speak. Speak Truth. For it is time that Truth be heard. May it come from deep within and may it be full of wisdom and discernment and compassion and grace and mercy. Speak with all gentleness these things and this House will listen and defend you. For you were made with a purpose for this House. So rise up and live your purpose...

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power of stories/my own pep-talk

yesterday, i went to a meeting and heard several ladies' stories. i almost didn't go because i felt disconnected from the group, but i'm really glad that i went. there was so much relevance to my life in their stories and i learned a lot. it reminded me of things that i'd tried to ignore for the past week because i hadn't consciously dealt with them directly.

hearing one lady's account of her week last week prompted me to do something proactive and to admit and to recognize a problem and to work toward doing my part at seeing that problem addressed or at least noted to prevent a worse outcome in the future.

i'm learning to have a voice. it's terrifying!!! it means speaking truth sometimes even though everyone else is ignoring the truth. geez... why do we ignore truth?! it's so freeing!!! but we're so afraid of the consequences. even though there could be negative consequences, the possibilities of HEALING and FREEDOM are so much greater. but we don't see that. we don't realize that. we're afraid that the negative, the evil, the evil one will win and rule and be victorious.

but if we live in TRUTH, then we're living in the relm of God's authority.

HE IS SO MUCH GREATER...

...greater than my fears.
...greater than the evil one.
...greater than negative consequences.
...greater than the pain caused by scars and wounds.
...greater than my own feeble attempts to survive and function.
...greater than my own ways of trying to fill and to meet needs that i have deep inside of me.

new name

I'm feeling nostalgic...

In the past year, I've said so many goodbyes--some till eternity, some for a few months, some until who knows when. It's been a long year. I'm weary, but getting better.

Some positives though...
1. i bought my first polish pottery piece for myself--tall mug.
2. i can now sing in polish and have an interesting conversation in polish
3. i have a new car
4. it is rainy in TN. i missed good ole rainy days.
5. saw a snowy winter.
6. rode my bike like a crazy mo fo through the streets of krakow.
7. visited turkey and macedonia and germany and greece and slovakia and the czech republic.
8. made a few friends for a lifetime.
9. was called "sister" by the roma.
10. i can sing roma songs!
11. wrote about 8 good keeper songs.
12. live in a nice house by myself!!!
13. had an apt by myself.
14. got to ride the train.
15. had a steady income for 10 months with insurance.
16. got a beautiful new guitar!
17. got a new harmonica!
18. got to eat beverly everly's cooking o so many amazing times.
19. met the Lady that Listens
20. got a cool krakow tattoo and lip piercing.
21. got to play gigs in krakow.
22. got to be an honored guest musician for an art exhibition opening for a famous painter in poland.
23. was taught how to use the light meter on my camera
24. learned the simple amazingness of mornings with oatmeal, coffee, the word and a good friend.
25. got to watch the trains going to warsaw from my balcony.
26. bought skinny jeans!
27. saw a sunrise in krakow and zakopane.
28. got to live in a cold place for the winter... man... this southern girl is like a fish out of water down here.
29. GOT DREADLOCKS my last 5 days in poland!!!
30. made 2 decent websites.
31. got to make wedding programs for a girl near vancouver.
32. got some terribly unbelievable and funny crazy stories from not so funny adventures. (there's always an adventure with me... i don't know what it is. can't do anything normal.)
33. I SLEEP IN A KING SIZED BED!!! my feet don't hang off the end and they're not jammed into the foot board and it's pretty much amazing.
34. got to teach orphan kids straight from the Word for a week.
35. i get to cut the grass every week and enjoy it because my skin doesn't break out in crazy rashes. G's changing even my skin. what does this mean?!


i'm sure there are so many more things i could put here, but i'm slowing down for the moment. man... it's been a full year--good and bad.

God, this year, may I never forget where you've brought me out of and how you've provided for me in great ways. May I never forget. May I continue to seek healing with all my heart. May I continually delight in you. May you find me faithful to the things you've called me to. Thank you for where I am right now. Even though I'm always scheming about my escape back to Poland, for now, I'd rather be in no other place. Thanks for this safe place. Thanks for this rest. Thanks for this abundant blessing of CARE. amen.

My New Fave Shirt!

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Delights

I wrote an email recently and said, "He shattered my brokenness." I was thinking about how bizarre that sounds. It almost doesn't make sense because it's meant to be a hopeful statement. The thought brings joy and gratefulness to my heart.

So I was thinking about that and what it might look like. I saw a chipped, cracked ceramic plate. It had a clear gloss coating on the outside that seemed to be holding together the brittle and cracking ceramic on the inside. I saw this strong hand coming and shattering the plate on the floor--tiny pieces. It was a huge mess all over the floor. It was shattered so powerfully that it became like dust. Then a strong wind came and blew the thick dust into a pile. And a rain came and poured down over the pile of dust that was once a plate. Through the rain, these strong hands came and started to work the water into the dry dust. Slowly it began to change. It started to form a ball and became pliable and maliable in those hands. I saw the man that the hands belonged to. He was a big man sitting at a bench in a workshop. He was surrounded by pottery--some colorful, some finished, some broken, some raw and waiting to be shaped. The man's hands were dirty from the water and clay but he didn't seem to mind. Quietly, meticulously he worked. His potter's wheel was spinning. He placed the lump of wet clay on the wheel and he began to shape it. He was so patient and careful it amazed me. But I noticed his face. It was so full of compassion and joy and love. This wasn't just work for him. It wasn't just a job. It was a passion that was coming out of everything that he was. I could see that the creator loved to create. When he looked at the clay in his hands, there was delight on his face. He was delighting in taking the broken and restoring it to beauty. He was delighting in forming beauty out of that which he had breathed life into.

He delights in me. I feel weary and painfully aware of my messiness and unfinishedness, but I know that my maker delights in me. I know that He is good. I know that he loves to show mercy and compassion to me. I know that he is near to the broken hearted. I know that he is near. There is no greater place that I would rather be than in the hands of my maker who delights in showing mercy to me.

This is the God I know. This is the God I serve. This is the God who loves me.

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Elijah's Moment

I find myself praying earnestly for Poland this morning. This morning I remembered my prayers 4 years ago in Rzeszów. I remember the cold wooden floor that I prayed facedown on. I remember the words that used to pour out of my heart for that city--God if you don't come, then they won't know you. If you don't move in power then their hearts won't know you. So come and pour down like a blazing fire from heaven and speak so that the people will see your power and they will know you in the depths of their hearts. More than the baptist way, more than the catholic way, more than any tradition, God, may their hearts know you and feel how it is to be held in your hands and how it sounds to have their names spoken and called by your Voice. May they desire you and follow you.

I remember how my heart broke for people that I didn't even know. I remember feeling such a heavy burden and such a strong desire that the people around me would desire to know God and to live in his ways.

Now I remember my time in Kraków. I remember how half-heartedly I had asked God for a burdened heart for the people he'd placed me around. I don't think I ever prayed on my knees much less my face for Kraków or the Roma.

This morning I was reading Psalms. I got to Psalm 67 and started reading it as a prayer. And then I felt that I needed to pray it for Poland.

"May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine upon us, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations. May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you."

God may the people of Poland praise you! May they be writing songs of praise to you with all their hearts. May they be speaking your truths about experiences they've had with you. May they be desiring to know you and to see you move in their country.

I don't know why I've been to Poland 4 times or why I'm obsessed with it or why I romantacize about it by calling it my home away from home, but ever since the first time I was there God connect my heart to people so deeply. I feel like I've had to leave pieces of my heart all over the country--Rzeszów, Tarnów, Kraków, Szaflary, McD's in Lublin, Warszawa and Poznań. For some reason God connected this crazy American girl's heart to Poland. I desire to see God move in Poland--not in an American way but in a beautiful Polish way that can only come through God's hand on Polish lives.

We ask that God would bless us--not for ourselves but for the people he has placed us around. They will see what he has done and they will praise him. May we be able to be a part of that. May we have hearts that desire to be a part of what he is doing in our lives and where ever we find ourselves in this world.

I hear the rain now in Spring Hill. I'm here for a moment, but I want to not miss this moment by wishing I were somewhere else. I want to be praying for people here and connecting with people. May he burden my heart for a new people. And if this burden for Poland stays, may he allow me to return in his time and not mine. May I be content to be where he has put me. May I be dedicated to the purpose he has for my life here right now--healing. May I persevere and seek it with all my heart because I know this is his purpose for me right now. And more than the watchmen for morning, may I wait and watch for him and his ways and his moving. May we be found faithful. May we desire him with all of our hearts above and beyond ourselves. For his ways are good and his paths everlasting and his love steadfast.

May the glory of the Lord shine upon your face. May you stand at the crossroads and look for the ancient path--the good Way. And may you walk in it with all that you are.

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Expectations

Ewa asked me today, "so what are your expecations for when you go back?"

I'm expecting this time to be a time of transition. I'll be getting use to being in the states. That in itself is sometimes one of the hardest things. I expect that I'll have time to heal--to seek it and to accept it and to learn what it looks like to live in it. I expect that this time would be a time to look for a PT school program and to visit a couple of campuses and to prepare for it with prereqs. I expect it to end in December and that I'll be prepared for whatever should come after it.

I'm afraid because i fear that I won't find community. I'm praying desperately for it. God in his wisdom has been giving me examples of what the difference is when I walk in community and when I try to walk on my own.

I'm praying that I'll honestly be able to accept grace and to give it. To accept that I can't do everything on my own. To remember from where I came and not return. And to remember the one who brought me out--the one who hears me.

For now, I'm surround by people who are giving me their undivided attention. Ewa's even shedding some blood for me tonight. Seriously god's surrounded me by people who love me. And he's teaching me to accept that love instead of turning it down all the time. I'm so humbled.

See you on the flip side. Of the globe.

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More Than A Name

...I want to see miracles. To see the world changed. Wrestle the angel for more than a name. More than a feeling. More than a cause... -Switchfoot

I have this song stuck in my head. I feel the pressure of change in my jaw like you feel the change of pressure in your ears. Ha.

Change change change.

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Connection... they finally hear me.

Umm... can I just say how sweet and terribly humbling it is to finally feel like I connect to these peeps? In the last 8 months, I have never felt this wonderfully welcomed into their community like I felt last week at camp. They call me "siostra" now... that's polish for "sister".

Last week was camp. We took 40 IWCers and 30 Roma peeps and some other peeps to the mountains for family camp week. Food sucked. Not gonna lie. Even the Poles didn't like it and the Roma turned it down. So I feel that as the picky American that my opinion of the food should be noted.

I found out last week like 2 days before camp that I had been asked to be the official worship leader for this week. Apparently in January that topic during the nonmeeting thing time that I showed up for wasn't important enough to make it in my long term memory. However, since I'm not a planner (meaning it wouldn't have mattered how early in advance i found out about it i still wouldn't have thought much about it until it was time to do it), it was a great surprise and i actually loved every minute of it.

We sang as one group that song "Give Me Jesus" in all 3 languages--polish, roma and english. God totally picked out that song and one of the translators as tools for leading the group in worship and unifying them as one body of Christ. While singing at the top of my lungs, I would just smile because I could hear all the voices in the room singing together in different languages. The Creator of languages came and breathed his presence and spirit out into our souls creating a unifying language. Ewa (in my address book i have her name as "Ewa Bogu" meaning "God's Ewa") sang next to me. Usually the prayers are translated, but I asked her in advance not to translate the prayers. I told her that my prayers shouldn't be spoken for the people in the room but for God. So I asked her to pray in polish after I prayed. It was so incredibly freeing because I knew that I was talking to God and not trying to extend some kind of sermon on all those that could hear me "praying". It was truly a moment to talk to God. It doesn't matter what language you are praying in because you can just sense God's presence so close when you're near someone praying whether it be out loud or to themselves. Hearing some of the Roma pray humbled my heart and led me to just breathe out prayers to the same God.

One day I played taxis driver. It was so much fun. As we went flying past the hotel on this windy mountain 2 lane road and as Sheila, my passenger, exclaimed, "that's the hotel!", I said, "I've got something to show you." Ha we flew through mountain passes for about 20min in the big blue VW van and finally after having our breath knocked out by the beauty, we arrived in Slovakia. I parked on the side of the highway. We jumped out and ran to the border. Got a picture by the sign. Then ran back to the van to make it back just in time for Obiad (lunch). haha... I love Slovakia. So beautiful.

This past month has been a time where I've truly felt in my life like the writer of psalm 23 when they said, "My cup overflows."

Home Church

I'm thankful that people have home churches to keep in contact with them and who support them from the states or send teams. I've done a great job at isolating myself.

At camp. Reminds me of the hill country in the sound of music. Beautiful. I'm leading worship tonight. I've met some cool ppl.

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Purpose

Why the hell am I here again?! I forget.

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The Ancient Way

I feel anxious these days. It's a time of waiting for answers and waiting to see if things will be a reality. Gosh growing up is hard to do. ha... So I was praying about it this morning and these words came to my mind. So I opened the word and this is what I read...

Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you fdiscern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

Jeremiah 6:16
Thus says the LORD:
Stand by the roads, and look,
and ask for the ancient paths,
where the good way is; and walk in it,
and find rest for your souls.

Skopje Pics

These are just some of the same ones that I put on Facebook...

Sweetness

Just to be useful for a week made the trip to Skopje, Macedonia worth every second. Not to mention that I got to walk in the Roma neighborhoods and shake kid's hands and say hello to them and watch them get excited to say hello in English. And also not to mention time praying and reading aloud God's word with someone who honestly desired to know God and to seek him early in the morning and late at night was like a sweet honey balm to my soul.

Community.

Something is missing if there is no one to sit and intimately study God's word with and pray with and sit in silence with and to sing and make music with.

This week the phrase "be still and know that I am God" was on my mind a lot. Being in the same room with other people who are ok with just sitting in silence while seeking God is rare but so beautiful.

I led worship for the first time in a while. I was humbled by the experience. I've gotten good at disconnecting myself from what I'm singing but Sunday night I couldn't do that. For a bit it was just me sitting at the feet of my Father. And then I heard the hearts of others pouring themselves out through the music to their Father. It was so humbling to be used and allowed to be a part of this moment. I left that moment hushed inside. I could've sat in silence for hours.

I wrote a new song. It's a few prayers put together. Me and Emily worked on a project too. She had a song translated into one of the Roma languages and we recorded it. Pictures to come later.

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Greater

I need to know that you are greater. I need to know that you will win. I need to hear it again that you who promised is faithful.

And I don't have to be like this. I can decide to be different. I can choose to be different. I can choose to live in truth and not fear.

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Kendine bak... Uwazaj na siebie

So I opened my Bible and was looking for something...
profound to say, to think, to feel, to write about

Inside it's like a raging sea. Everything's crashing against itself and I want to express it somehow but don't have words. Usually it's at night when the day's over that everything hits.

I got "excuse me"ed last night by a neighbor when I finished singing a song at 10:05pm. 5 minutes after the quiet hour does not mean it's necessary to shhhhh someone. It's not a habit of mine. I am usually quiet by 9:55pm if I'm playing my guitar at night. Geeezzzzz.... Anyways... I digress.

In Psalm 55 some descriptive words are...
restless,
oppression,
anguish,
terrors,
fear,
trembling,
overwhelms,

Then the writer says something that sounds like my life for the last few years...
"Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness;"

Then the writer says something that sounds like a conversation I've just started to open up...
"For it is not an enemy who taunts me--then I could bear it;"

I've started to revisit my high school years. All these songs that I used to sing week after week are coming back to my memory. Back then I couldn't remember the verses to save my life, but they're coming back from my memory with clarity that I never had before. Like volumes of lyrics that have been dormant for years are resurfacing. This morning I sang, "Lord Most High" and the "Many men will drink the rain" song.

The end... no concluding thoughts. It's time to go anyways. Could someone pray for my back. It's seriously hurting. Ugh... I need to strengthen it. Discipline thy self. holla.

Not so 4th of July

So it's the 4th of July and it doesn't feel like it really. Last night we had a grill on my balcony. I was preoccupied. Too much to think about. Too much to sit and wait around for.

Last week was a really good week. I was surrounded by supportive people. I wasn't so isolated. So it was good. Not to mention the amazing views and the sun that actually tans.

As always, this phrase is repeating itself...
"It's not the place, but the people in the place."

Back to the same old... ignoring it all and leaving it to silence.

Change

Playlist: "Surely We Can Change" David Crowder*Band

The song at the end says, "the whole world's about to change. the whole world's about to change." And I feel those words in a new way. My world's about to change.

I just got back from Greece. Yes, I know. Feel jealous. It was beautiful and more than I dreamed it would be. I left with hope. More hope than I've been able to have in a long time. For a long time my hope has been in an idea of something I had to believe was true. Because if it wasn't true then I had nothing left. But that truth and hope have become real to my life once again. Things are changing.

A friend wrote me a short story...
"There was once a girl who was carrying a load much too heavy for her to bear. As time wore on, her body grew so very weary. She was trying to make it up a hillside when along side her came another girl. The second girl's shoulders began to ache as she walked with the first. It was almost as if the load was on her as well. As the second girl's step fell into rhythm she joyfully took some of the weight from her friend and bore it with her. Doing this made her heart glad. She could think of nothing sweeter than sharing with her friend, her sister, an experience that would strengthen both of them. They continued up the hill when they met a man who was coming down the hill. He picked both of them up, along with the heavy heavy load and ran to the top of the hill with them. They stood there, all three. And there, with their hands tucked into the hands of that man they found rest. They drank in the view and breathed in the moment.

There was rest."

Athens, Greece 06/27/09

Feelings

I feel a lightening of my spirit. Like a fog is lifting. Like there's new light on the horizon. A new day is coming. And I don't know how long this new day will last but I'll hope for it and long for it finally instead of dragging myself through the mud of the dark forest. Someone said that she could see a rawness to my emotions and an honesty pouring out if me. These are the signs of the dawn. May I have the courage to follow through on the process of healing. May I be able to desire finally the things that are honest and true and freeing. The things of life.

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Oświęcim/Auschwitz Bus

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Finally Went To Auschwitz

The weather didn't do these places justice. It was beautiful today. Beautiful blue clouds and green grass and clear sky so we could see the mountains. Amazing. One thought I know is terrible... Good thing so many people died or else the Auschwitz tour companies wouldve been po. No but seriously. It's hard to comprehend the hugeness of this and the system that executed the plan and the way people just accepted it. This phenomenon reminds me of a quote from the movie Dante's peak. He said something about if you boil water and throw a frog in it then the frog will immediately jump out. But if you put the frog in the water and them turn the heat on it will eventually boil to death because it never noticed the heat until it was too late to do anything about it. It seems that anahalation of the entire Jewish people was not the first plan or intention but policies and orders changed until suddenly people realized that something was terribly wrong and it was too late to stop the system. I always wonder what kind if person I would choose to be in that kind of world.I don't know. Just thoughts. Just observations.

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Pay Day & Job Security

So I'm selling the remainder of my 2 year contract (14 months) to the highest bidder.

The buzz recently has been about the hiring freeze and other such things by the trustees. Yes, this is a company. A big one. Concerned with lots of money. So people have been talking with great anticipation and anxiety about whether or not they'll be able to extend their terms which they'd been planning on doing or if they'll have to go home earlier than they'd hoped. I laugh while people talk about extending. I was hoping to destend.

I was reading a friend's blog today and it made me sad that I couldn't say the same things she was saying about her time where she is. These past 8 months have felt like an eternity. I want to give up most days. It's been like a constant fight just to make it to the next bench marker. Right now I'm trying to make it to the end of June. Next, I want to try to make it to the end of August. After August there will be a whole lot of nothing. With all these changes happening in the company, most people, even the career people, don't know what they'll be doing next. Lots of people are waiting to hear some answers at this annual meeting we'll have in a week. I have a feeling that some of it will be cleared up but that it'll also create a ton more questions and insecurities in people's minds. People don't know what to count on and can't make plans because so much is up in the air.

I want to be a Physical Therapist. I don't know how it'll work out because I really don't have the money. But I think that this is something that God wants me to do and has finally brought me to the place where I can accept that and get excited about it. Right now, I'm praying for 1) Where to go to school and for a family or someone to live with there; 2) That it be a place where I can just ride my bike to and from school and to work; 3) A job. I love making coffee. I'd love to work at a coffee shop again; 4) Wisdom about how to pay for school. I'll need to take about 30hrs of prereq classes before I can even start a PT program. Science. Lots of science.

Anyways... that's all folks.

Sweet Storm Today

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Warsaw Minstry Blog & A friends blog

While I was in Warsaw last week, I was able to work with some people who minister to poor families and orphans. It was a good time. I was asked to write a blog post about the day. Click on the link to go to the blog page where the pictures and story were posted on...

Radosc Blog Page

Also, today I read a friend's blog post about being a pastor. I really liked his thoughts. I'm thankful that I can call Kyle and Anna my friends. Anyways... if you'd like to read his thoughts, here's the link...

Kyle's Blog

As for me, I'm in Krakow with a 3 day long headache. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe I'm allergic to Krakow. I don't know. I just finished watching the Matrix Trilogy. Man there was a ton of theology in those 3 movies. Like from Christianity and Buddhism and Hinduism and other religions I'm sure. They were just jam packed with philosophical sayings. It was like watching a religion theology book. ha. Anyways... But as far as Christian Theology, I am reading "Jesus Among Other God's" by Ravi Zacharias. Good book. I like it so far. I like the author because he's knowledgeable of other major religions and doesn't really throw rocks at the other religions so much. It's more of him examining how different Jesus really is compared to the others.

"Sunshine Hill" by Derek Kehler just came on my shuffling ipod. Perfect moment for that song. Here's his myspace page...

Derek Kehler's Myspace Page

Dobrej Sabota!

White Mocha Happiness

I'm thankful for people who let me participate in their lives for a little while. It's like I'm constantly coming and going and for those who stay I feel like I am only a visitor in their lives for a period of time and then I have to pack up and leave. And they have to clean up after me and tell me to write. I suck at writing. I get worse and worse at it the more times I have to say goodbye. I used to hold on for dear life to the ones I had to leave. Writing was how I coped with it. Now I find that to survive I have to write less often. Maybe it's a selfishness though. Maybe I just don't like my life right now so I don't want to have to catch people up on it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Dorota gave me copies of videos she took of my last concert. I played a new song. It needs work but the chorus is worth keeping. It keeps playing in my head. We all got something something something. We all got something something something. We all got something something something. Something to hold on to.

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White Chocolate Mocha

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Free Bathrooms

So since Thursday I've been looking for Roma here in Warsaw. Thursday I found a Roma woman and gave her a DVD. I met here in a place I wasn't expecting to see her. I had been walking with my friend Dorota all afternoon and had to pee. So we found free bathrooms in a nice mall and that's where we saw the woman.

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Fairytales, Cowboys and Stupid Christian Books

It seems that our generations are struggling. We freak out at the thought of commitment.

Marriage?! Ahhh...

Dating isn't simple. It's not about a guy and a girl who like each other. Suddenly it's become a tortuous task of seeking to see if this person is the perfect fit to this one place in your heart. And if that person is the perfect fit, God's chosen one, The One, then we think that it will be ok. We think that as long as we find the right person that terrible things like divorce or sexual impurity or porn or adultery or just plain ole boredom won't find us in our marriages.

To Pursue...
That's a word that we hear a lot these days. These Christian books that we read about dating and relationships and the way our hearts work seem to paint a picture like Princess Bride... As yoooouuu wiiiiisssshhhhh....

I Feel Like An Old Woman... somedays. I feel like I've traveled so much and seen so much and most of it has been on my own. I find myself tired of the thought of having to pack and wait on trains or planes or automobiles. ha. I dread the sound of the chimes as the announcer announces something in the stations. I dread the waiting. The ticking of the clock. My bag that goes with me everywhere because I have no one to watch it for me while I go pee. Sitting and eating alone. Listening to conversations. My heart has started to become anxious these days. The longer my layovers are and the longer my waits for trains are, I find that I can't sit still. I can't wait for it to be over. The last few times I've gone to pick people up at the airport, I've thought, "I am so relieved that it is not me traveling today--coming or going."

For me, I think that marriage would be more like a traveling partner. Someone to at least share the moment with. Someone to just sit next to while we wait. Someone to make decisions with. I've realized why the end of the movie "Into the Wild" keeps me staring at the screen long after the credits have finished. The main character has done all this stuff, met tons of different people, seen all these places, experienced so many things, learned endless lessons, but in the end he writes, "happiness only real when shared."

I've been happiest when I've gotten to share the things I love with someone I love. A bike ride. A sunset. A concert. An evening walk. A 12 hour drive. The sea breeze as the night comes. A terribly long layover because of a canceled flight. A funeral. A terrible job. Cheap coffee...

Maybe we'll learn... Maybe I'll learn that it's not just some grand equation. Rather, it's a simple contentment just to be beside someone you love. To share in the moments where memories are made and dreams are found.

playlist

Playlist:
1. "House of Cards" Radiohead
2. "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" Death Cab For Cutie
3. "Brothers On A Hotel Bed" Death Cab For Cutie

The month in Pics:

Driving in Memphis

The Funeral, Family Time

Blue Neon Crosses. What an Easter.

Critical Mass: Krakow

We's a Bikin Foo!

Grillowac

The Cast

The Splint

The Rebellion Continues

Strawberries & Cream Oatmeal All Gone :(

rhythm

there seems to be an undeniable rhythm to life. it flows and creates this cycle. i feel enchanted by it tonight.

the rhythm of life. one dies and another is born.

travel log

11:11 MEM
"These Girls" -Ryan Adams

We never really grow up do we. At least I didn't. I just got taller. I find myself on a rainy day walking through the big halls of the MEM airport. My sippy cup is now my cup of Starbucks. Drinking my marble mocha through a straw. I'm tearing up cause i miss my momma and I just want to go home. I don't think I ever get used to goodbyes. Maybe my outward countenance gets better, but it never feels good to say goodbye to people you love. That age old saying, "home is where the heart is," is so true. Memphis is a hard płace. Though i romanticize about it, I still find that it's not necessarily this place but the memories of times with family and friends that make me call it home. Home, where will you be? Or better said--home, who will you be? As the rain drizzles on in Memphis and as I watch it through the big airport windows and wait for my flight to Chicago, I wonder about these things. I wish I could find my way home. I wish I were with you.

15:30 Chicago Ohare
I started thinking about how absurd Abraham's journey must've felt. I see him traveling with all this family, his herds and tents and trinkets. They stop for some water as they pass through a village in the middle of no where. Abraham meets some of the locals and they ask the obvious questions: Where you going? Why you going there? How long you been traveling? Do you know anyone where you're going? By this time, Abraham has had plenty of time to rethink and reconstruct that conversation with God in which he heard God tell him to leave everything and to head for a better place. And Abraham's looked at it from all angles and asked himself all these questions before. So he startes to answer the guy's questions. He says, "We're going to a better place." The guy asks, "Where's that exactly?"
--"I'm not really sure. I'm just heading where God leads me."
--"You're following God... huh. Interesting. So what does this better place look like? What makes it better?"
--"Umm... I'm not really sure what it looks like. I've never been there. I'm not really sure what makes it better because I've never seen or heard of it and I'm not entirely certain where exactly it is. All I know is that God said it was better."
--"You have family there? or a new job offer?"
--"Nope."
--"How do you know it's a better place if you've never been there?"
--"Uh... well I'm not sure. God just told me it was."
--"Well what was wrong with the place you're moving from? Why was it bad?"
--"No it wasn't a bad place. I grew up there and my ancestors too. You know. Every place has it's good and bad things about it. Like the water is too hard or soft or the summers just last forever and I feel like I beached whale. But it wasn't like a horrible place. It was a good place. I could've lived there for the rest of my life and died there and been happy."
--"If it wasn't a bad place and you could've and were happy there, then why worry about this better place that you've never seen before and don't even know why it's better?"

By this time, Abraham's frustrated because he knows this circular conversation because he's had it in his mind with himself everyday since he left his family's land. He doesn't have any better answers. Some days he realizes that he hasn't really had any more confirmation of this move since that one conversation with God. And the conversation is getting blurry in his mind anyways with all the sand. It's been one hill after another and there's no end to it in his mind. Really all reasoning says he's being ridiculous and just unsatisfied and ungrateful for what he had. He's tired. His family is worn out. They're ready to have some consistency in their lives. Change is draining and gets really old really fast. He had been happy for the most part. It wasn't a bad place or a bad life. There was good in it. But there's that small reminder of the conversation of God where he felt his heart pounding in the humbling moment when God promised him descendents like the unending blanket of stars in the sky. Life before wasn't bad, but he'd been promised something better. A better place. A better way. He'd heard God and knew he was real. There was no doubting that fact and no second guessing it. Where exactly God was on this long journey... well somedays he was near but most he seemed so far away. But he kept moving toward that better place.

He died never seeing that Better Place and the things that had been promised to him. But he was commended for his faith. And God is still living by that promise. Claiming descendents to himself as many as the stars in the sky. Calling his descendents of faith to that Better Place.

And we walk The Better Way in faith of the existence of The Better Place.

Thanks

This past week has been such a blessing. Even though the circumstances weren't the most wonderful, I've been so encouraged by my time here. 

There is something powerful and right about mourning a loss with family and friends--outwardly and inwardly. I think that on my own, I didn't know how to respond to the death of my granddad. I tried to busy myself and not think about it. I carried that all on my own. This time, I came home. And I was able to share the experience with family and friends. We pray together. We cried together. We remembered stories together. We laughed together. We ate together. It was healing. It was encouraging. It was a blessing.

This week I was able to...

Surprise my mom, dad and brother.

See my granddad attaway and grandma alice.

Take family pictures.

Help bury my grandma.

See all my extended family.

Eat mexican food.

Tell about my life in Krakow.

Meet my brother's girlfriend.

Eat strawberries and cream oatmeal.

Feel the sun on my face--strong and bright.

Catch up with friends.

Be loved on.

Be hugged.

Cook for my family.

Vacuum the house for my mom.

Pick up all the stuff that my mom has dropped on the floor and can't pick up on her own.

Pray with a friend.

Meet a friend at Starbucks.

Be free...

Be exhausted...

Be refreshed... etc...

Anyways... I have a lot more thoughts, but those need sorting through and filtering.

Thank God for friends, family, good food, wide open spaces and hope through the one who saves us and breathes life into us. Amen.

Reaction Paper/Initial Thoughts before a study

I just watched The Boy In The Striped Pajamas.

I've been trying to refrain from blogging before I've thoroughly thought about a topic, but I feel that a reaction to this movie should be noted. I won't tell the story though because I would like you to see it for yourself.

It's about a prison camp here in Poland during WWII.

I think that Justice is relational. Injustice is relational too. We see acts through our own eyes. We see things being done from our points of view. I can beat something all day long and you wouldn't think anything of it if it were the ground. But if it were your mom... well that would change what kind of act it was wouldn't it? That would just be wrong.

You can drive your car over a squirrel. And though you may cringe when you look in the rear view mirror and see its tail sticking up in the air and it twitching on the ground, you would keep on driving and no one would think anything of it except for my roommate Sarah who loves animals. However, if someone was driving at night and ran over someone you knew, it would change things wouldn't it? What would you think about the driver of that car? What kind of act of justice would you demand as consequences of the driver's actions? Would you demand that they go to prison? Would you demand that they pay you money? What kind of person would you accuse that driver of being?

What if I told you the driver was me? Does it change things?

Depending on what my relationship with you was, it might change the way you would see justice come about.

I think it is easier to do justly if we can look the person in the eyes. If we can have a conversation with someone without preconceived ideas. If we can put ourselves in their shoes we might be changed. Because in their shoes we might see something different--ourselves, our humanity, our desire for respect.

What is fair and reasonable and just might change in your eyes because in realizing one's humanity, we find answers to what is and is not justice.

A Better Place

"If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it. "
Genesis 1:7

"cease to do evil,
learn to do good;
seek justice,
correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
plead the widow's cause."
Isaiah 1:16b-17

So in the last blog post, I wrote about two different verses. And it is reasonable to say that they both connect and flow like a story.

The first verse was of Cain. We see what sin wants to do and what God says we must do.

The second verse was of Israel. We see what sin does when it gets in the house.

Isaiah writes about how messed up Israel is because it let the sin inside. But then he changes and kind of says, "Now that the sin is inside, stop and do good." And then he gives us examples of how to do good and what good looks like.

Now this verse in Hebrews has been on my mind. It seems that stopping one action and doing the opposite is one of the toughest moments of the fight. There's always that human nature to look back at where you've come from and how things used to be... nostalgia. Everything looks prettier when we look back at it. And Paul writes about Abraham's journey. Abraham believed that there was a better place than where he was. So he headed off in this direction of the better place even though he didn't know exactly where it was. He hadn't heard of it before. He hadn't seen it before. He didn't have family there. But he moved in faith in the direction of his belief of a better place. But it says that had he wanted to go back to where he came from, he would have had the opportunity. But he didn't look back.

I think sometimes that we are not "what we've done" or "where we've been" but rather we are where we are heading. The hope we have in Christ is that there is Grace for what we have done and where we have been. And there is the Promise that there is a better place and a better way. In between the two, we have moments of decisions... accept the grace and move forward toward something better? or stay in our old house where we know what it looks like and what it feels like and what it smells like and what it tastes like. Even though we've tasted its bitterness, the nostalgia of its sweetness beckons us back.

"If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."
Hebrews 11:15-16

Fast Debrief...

Fast Debrief...

So this week I gave God my appetites. I gave him my appetite for food, for music, for the internet, for relationships and other things. I didn't fast to really have some special word from God that would make everything all clear. Mostly, I wanted to give him these things this week as offerings and sacrifices. It was a week of worship. Though I saw pretty much every emotion known to man and really wondered about my own sanity, it was a good week. There were no huge epiphanies or "ah ha!" moments. But there was a steady desire for God and for right decisions. Two passages of scripture that I learned from this week are...

"The Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it." Genesis 4:6-7

Sin is pictured as an animal here that is sitting at your door. It is waiting for you to open the door so it can devour you. There's this idea that whatever it is that is sitting at your door doesn't desire the best for you. We see what it does with Cain in the next verse, "Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him."

Passage number two is Isaiah 1:16b-17. "cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." This passage gives examples of what doing good looks like. These are all relational. It's how we deal with the people around us. My time here should be a time of doing good. My time for as long as I live should be a time of doing good. We must think about what Justice would look like in our relationships. Are we doing evil in our relationships? Or are we seeking justice? Are we pleading the cause of the widow? Are we bringing justice to the fatherless? Are we correcting oppression?

I feel like part of oppression is ignorance. We send teenagers in the states on mission trips all the time and there are always stories of how those short term missionaries had their eyes opened. God changes people when they see with their eyes how the world is and how he sees the people in the world. The moment we see past someone's exterior image and status and our eyes are opened to see into someone's heart--our lives are changed forever. God connects hearts.

My desire, to work toward correcting oppression in Poland among the Roma (notice I say "working toward"), is to see people's hearts be connected. I have this vision to see Poles and Americans have their eyes opened to God's people regardless of their status here in Poland. I'm working toward putting together bike tours through Poland in which we'll have the opportunity to meet new Roma people who live off the beaten paths in Poland.

So thank you for praying with me during this past week and for continuing to pray for me. Thanks also, if you're reading this last paragraph, for reading this lengthy debrief. I hope to be keeping up with my updates more regularly.

"making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it [the mystery of the gospel] boldly, as I ought to speak." Ephesians 6:19

Warsaw:Warszawa

So my first time to Poland, our team flew into the Warsaw airport and quickly jumped in cabs to take us to the train station. Before leaving for Poland, we hadn't figured out how we were going to get to Rzeszow. We heard we could take the train. Come to find out, the train was 6hrs long and the next one wasn't for another 4 hours. So we sat in the train station, too exhausted to do anything or go visit anything, and we ate McDonald's cheese burgers. By that time I was starving and that burger tasted so good. One thing we did explore during our wait was the bathroom situation. Under the train station, in the little tunnels, there we bathrooms with ladies manning the door and demanding money. We quickly discovered which bathrooms were the best deal. We were looking for cleanliness mixed with a good price.

After a week in Rzeszow, we returned to Warsaw for a day of tourism. We wandered around the Old Town. I had duck for lunch. Toward the end of the day, I was getting really thirsty. So I stopped in a little shop to get some "niegazowana" (regular water without gas). I said it several times and finally the lady pulls a bottle out of the fridge and I pay her and leave. When I found a nice cozy spot on the ground outside, I popped it open and took a huge gulp... I spit it back out. It was gasy. My taste buds weren't refined enough back then to appreciate a bottle of carbonated water.

That was 2004. June 2006, I was living in Rzeszow. I was getting a chance to take a short intensive course at the University of Warsaw with some other summer interns in Warsaw. So I packed my borrowed hiker bag and my roommate took me on the train to Krakow. From Krakow I took another train to Warsaw. I don't think I slept at all the night before that trip. I was freakin out because it was only my 3rd time on the train. And this time I would be by myself. What if I missed the stop. What if I got on the wrong train. What if I couldn't figure out where to go when I got to my stop in Warsaw. Thankfully some kind woman told me when it was my stop. The train went underground and she motioned that it was finally time for me to get off. Then I wandered to the upstairs main room of the train station and just stood there in the middle like I was lost. I was wearing a shirt that said, "Employee of the Month". As I was standing there, I realized that the people who were meeting me there had no idea what I looked like. I didn't have their phone numbers. I didn't even have a cell phone. So I just stood there trying to look lost. They found me. And all was well.

Now I'm excited because I'm going back to Warsaw. This time I'm going to do work. I'm going as an experienced train rider (especially after the train ride from hell from Bratislava to Krakow). And I even know a little bit of Polish. How boring is that? I mean really.

No, I'm really excited because this is my first time to get to travel for my job. I'll get to see what the boss man does weekly. Maybe I should bring pencil and paper to take notes. I also get to get some coffee with a friend. Maybe I'll stand in the middle of the train station and look like I'm lost for old time sake.

time for everything

i'm thankful that "the way" has different times for everything.

in life, there is a particular way of living that was established before time even began. God put into motion the particulars of the world we live in--our lives and everything known and unknown. he established things the way he wanted them to be--his way. that is the way of living that i'll be refering to as "the way".

last night i went to a club for a friend's birthday. i didn't plan to stay for the whole thing because it had been a long day. but i got there and there were 2 other people from church there. so we stayed for the whole thing. it was good to not be alone. it was good to be able to be a light in the darkness with other believers who weren't there to judge and just to feel uncomfortable. it was good to be with people who enjoyed the time and the music as much as i did. haha... american hip/hop and rap... and banana juice... and new friends... and deep conversation... amazing.

tonight is a time for something different. part of "the way" is about proclaiming and praising God for who he is. tonight i'm leading worship. i hate to do it because i let the politics consume my thinking and attitude about it (that's a rant for another day). but i'm glad i get to do it tonight. despite my stumblings, there is hope that God may use me and that God will hear me praising him for who he is and who he has been in my life.

true bikers wanted

and when i say "bikers" i mean the real deal... pedal pushing, padded short wearing, crazy peeps who want to show some love to some unloved peeps!

so i'm wanting to organize a bike tour in poland. the purpose of the tour will be to explore new communities of Roma people. we want to find new communities and make connections with the hopes of telling them about God, Jesus and life as it can be.

at the moment, i'm looking into distances, terrain and villages. i'll be plotting a route soon hopefully and will have some more info in the coming month.

if you or someone you know loves to ride... let me know.

more info to come.

end of the day blues

so i bought a box of hair dye and thought it was black... it was navy blue. ha! quite exciting actually.

at the end of the day, we wonder why it all went away
all the struggles, all the change, all the dreams of nothing strange
and we snuggle in our place, pull the blankets around our face
it's a warm and cozy space, it's the end of another day

everybody's got somethin
everybody's got somethin
something we don't want to break
something we try to keep safe
something that we can't replace
we all got somethin somethin somethin
somethin something somethin

we all got dirty plates but it means that we ate
we ate something beautiful, it was something we all would create
while we're watchin the world as it fades, we're takin it all in stain by stain
i can't help as it all will come, to let it carry me out through the back gate

everybody's got somethin
everybody's got somethin
something we don't want to break
something we try to keep safe
something that we can't replace
we all got somethin somethin somethin
somethin something somethin

10 things we learned at camp

10. buses will stop and wait for you if you need to go peee...

9. the eyebrow ring is terribly powerful--it makes it or breaks it in first impressions.

8. sometimes ICE skating rinks are PLASTIC... not even gonna lie.

7. Ted's not graceful on ice.

6. the correct response to "Amen" being said is of course "SMACZNEGO!"

5. just because they're smiling, it doesn't mean it's something nice.

4. orphan camps are masochistic, cause we'd do them again.

3. you wear it, you wash it!

2. once you go black, you don't go back!

1. GO BIG or GO HOME!

orphans. widows. rewards.

umm... so apparently working with orphans is rewarding. i know... mark this day in your calendar, but the story gets even weirder... are you on the edge of your seat? i'm about to say something shocking...

i'd like to adopt an orphan some day.

yes... there you have it folks. i said it. that's the way it is. not gonna lie. this week is going good except for the food. i wish i weren't with this company and i could solicit all of you for every penny that you own so i could feed these kids pizza at the end of the week, but we all know that i can't do that. so... i guess it'll just be broth soup, bread and butter. oh well. it's all good.

bussing it to Wisła

even though this bus is totally going to be a let down from the ridiculously luxurious charter bus i took over the christmas holidays, i'm glad i'm just not getting on a train.

so i never told the "train ride from hell" story on here. hmm... that's a long story that i'll have to type another time.

i noticed today that it's still january despite my hope that time would fly instead of drag on by. i think it has something to do with the lack of natural disasters that has made this month seem so long. no apartment fires. no strong apartment winds. my life is pretty mundane.

BUT!!! today i'm going on a new adventure to the mountains to hang out with some orphans. updates to come hopefully. otherwise i hope you don't sit in too much suspense.

new apt

don't hate... it's just the way it is out here in the burbs of krakow...

skipping was totally worth it

so yesterday i totally skipped c1. it was totally worth it. i sat and ate my breakfast in the living room in the morning sunlight. i drank my coffee and stared into the distance. and i had this picture in my head.

i've been trying to sort through what it should look like to be christian today. or what the kingdom of heaven on earth might look like. does it look like the organization that we're constantly pressured to look like. should we be teaching people how to look like the norm? should we teach people how to look bored to death with christianity by teaching them the rules and the organization and by putting them into classes on how to "be a christian"? i don't know. it's all good and well and those things help people but i wonder if there's a different way that's more practical to everyday living. for a people who think that family is more important than sitting in a class to learn how to read or write... for a people who understand stories and can memorize them and retell them because they can't read which means they can't cross reference from a stupid little list in the back of their bibles is a class on how to do all those things really necessary or even beneficial? i don't know. you tell me.

the reformation brought a lot of emphasis on literacy because it shifted the authority to the interpretation of the scriptures (i got that from phyllis tickle's book "The Great Emergence"). people had to be literate to interpret the scriptures for themselves. they had to have the scriptures in their own language too. whereas in the past, the Church/Pope (still is this way just not in the reformed traditions) interpreted the holy scriptures for the people and what they said was authority and THE way it was.

but in the meeting, we weren't even talking about teaching people how to read. we were talking about how to put an illiterate group of people into a class setting for literate people.

if family is important, then why teach how to be a christian as a family? or what does it mean to be a christian as a family member. what does it mean to be a christian as a family? why not meet as families.

anyways... that's beside my previous comment about having a picture.

picture... at c2 we were talking about gifts (please don't make me pull my hair out by having a theological debate about what the "actual" spiritual gifts really are. i won't listen to you. i'm postmodern remember.). but the scriptures being read talked about each person in the body of Christ having a gift that helps the whole. we should use those. it connected with the picture i saw earlier that day.

the lamb doesn't get eaten by the lion. they stand side by side.

the businessman makes decisions that recognize the humanity of those he works alongside and over.

the musician writes songs about the life he's stumbled upon.

the orphans and the widows are taken care of.

the convicted people of God who say that abortion is wrong, they go and adopt a pregnant single mother to walk through the difficult pregnancy and adopt the child she is unwilling and unable to take care of.

just some thoughts.

we all do what we're good at and we keep in mind the ways in which Jesus turned the system upside down which were practical ways of living out the greatest commandment and the second greatest. they were pictures of the kingdom of heaven.

this is long. sorry. just some thoughts. i'll be thinking of how this specifically applies to me and maybe write more later.

huh?

sometimes you just have to wonder if things really do change. maybe we stop drinking, maybe we stop smoking, maybe we stop beating our wives. what? is that not good enough? it's the everyday things that i don't understand. if lifestyles are changed, old habits left in the dust and a joy in life realized, then what is there more? we keep hoping to see fruits in the shapes of different things--worship services, budgets, accounts, expenses for ministries, offerings in the plate or bag, others being evangelized and organization, organization, organization. if things don't grow, is it our fault or theirs? does it mean it's real?

john talked about a mark and that we shouldn't get it. i was reading that maybe the mark he was talking about used to be the way people were allowed to buy and sell in the marketplaces. it was how people were able to participate in the economy. if john says don't get it, then how did people live without it? maybe the amish have it figured out. i don't know.