disappointed

so apparently apartment finding has become more than a game of who's first to put a deposit on the new apt. apparently it's so much more complicated than that. i know about credit checks and needing a recommendation and such practices when seeking to rent an apt. however, recently i found myself in a screening process that has just confused the heck out of me.

me and my friend went to see an apt and we really liked it. it was the 2nd apt we had seen out of countless others that we could both afford and that we really liked and felt safe in when we were seeing it. so we expressed that we would like to rent it immediately. that's when we found out that there were other people interested in the apt but the couple renting it were going to choose who they liked the most for renting it out. i missed that detail of the competition aspect of the whole thing and had to be debriefed after we left. we were told that they would contact us in 2 days to let us know whether or not they'd picked us for the apt. i didn't even get a chance to suck up or anything.

the people met us for 10min. all they knew about us was that i work and ewa is finishing school. i'm american. we're both quiet and we don't smoke. other than that... i don't think they asked us anything else about ourselves. so that's what they had to base their decision on. today the guy finally called at 9p to tell us that they really liked us but were going to rent the apt to someone else. but if those people drop out then they'll call us and see if we're still interested. geez...

i need a home.

i've been living out of boxes and bags since the end of may. i paid rent this month but don't even have wardrobe space of my own... no wait... i have a shelf. geez... what the hell am i doing with my life?

ps... my dog got run over by a truck and my trailor burned down and all i've got is hot beer in the back of my broken down truck.

happy thanksgiving

merry christmas

happy new years

... i'm getting a head start on the end of the year.

still, quiet

i remember a few years ago seeing the shock and dismay displayed across a friend's face as i told him that i didn't want to go to the upcoming passion conference. he was in shock by the fact that i didn't feel the spiritual need to go to the conference. i didn't view the conference as a vital lifeline for my relationship with God.

this past sunday at church it was a pretty crazy scene. i could've sworn that at one point they were going to start dancing the thriller dance. people seemed moved and half out of their minds. it reminds me of david dancing naked in front of the ark or the disciples speaking in tongues at pentecost and being accused of being drunk.

but then last night i was laying in bed and listening to "found" by hillsong. the electronic piano/hammon sound took me to a place of longing to hear from God. then i heard the roar of heavy rain outside my window and for a second i wondered... God are you in the rain? then i saw myself sitting in the mouth of a cave hoping to hear God in the rain like elijah. but i didn't hear him in the rain. i didn't hear him in the fire of the church meeting last week.

at different times he does speak to us during times of rain, fire and violent winds. but sometimes he doesn't. sometimes he speaks in the quiet. in the stillness. in the quiet places of my heart where i can slow down and just sit and listen.

some things i'd like to hear from him about:
an apartment... safe place to live. home. my own space.
job... work. money.
purpose... i feel like i have purpose in life, but i get easily discouraged when i start to think of how my purpose isn't leading me to some kind of financial stability. i mean... i need a season of deposits into the bank account as opposed to the negatives that steadily get listed each day.
worship... where am i supposed to lead people? what does God want to teach me and where does he want to lead me so that i can lead and teach other people?

ok... that's all for the moment. peace.

the street life

i finally found a spot to play on the street. i figured that i could make some extra cash like i did last week.

i had just gotten warmed up and cozy in my spot when this guy walked up semi close. i could tell he was watching me even though he was trying to pretend like he wasn't. he slowly made his way around me in a semi circle at a distance. finally he planted himself behind me on some bike racks that i was leaning against. i had my backpack behind my back as a pillow against the hard metal. so i kept one eye on him and one on my guitar case. then another guy came from no where and he set his doufle bag on one side of me and then walked over to the other side of me real friendly-like asking me questions about my guitar and commenting about how nice it was and trying to be too friendly (totally not a polish thing). and then the guy behind me got closer slowly. finally i grabbed my bag, put it under my leg while i packed my guitar in the case. i booked it out of there.

man... tryin to hussle a hussler. crazy mo fo's. in the states my stuff would've already been long gone. but i guess the poles figure they can work slower because people aren't expecting to be robbed in the middle of a crowded street while everyone's looking. i need a street buddy to watch my back.

dang... only made 1zl (30cents). i need a job.

un-souvenirs

one of my friends blogged about traveling and that someone said that americans take things from other places. i'd like to give my example of how that's not personally true of my travels...

recently, it came to my attention that i only have 8 pairs of undies. i counted because i was packing for an 11 night trip. i did bring more even though i only moved to poland with a backpack. which means... somehow along the course of traveling i've managed to lose (or had them stolen which has happened before) a few pairs of undies. most people enjoy the experience of finding something in a new place to take back to their old place... souvenirs. apparently, i've been leaving a legacy of dirty undies throughout the world.

to make the story more exciting, i had my friend mail my computer to a lady that's coming to krakow in a week! i'll have a computer again!!! but apparently through the course of conversation i made it clear that i didn't have much stuff as far as base layers. so she included my undies with the computer. they weren't new, fresh in the package undies, no they're my old undies which i'm hoping were clean but can't guarantee such things since i was expecting to return to the states shortly to finish my laundry.

so i have new undies about to travel the ocean. o how i missed them so. finally we'll be together again. i'll be ridin smooth and happy again with fresh undies.

the picky beggar

anyone want to sponsor me for a trip to macedonia to help with worship and leading an iwc group around skopje for a week?

it would be good for my heart and hopefully encouraging for the peeps there too.

thought i'd ask. i did it last year on my own monies and it was one of the awesome highlights of my summer. it was a sweet time with God and other believers serving in the roma villages in skopje. this year if i had the money i'd be there in a sec.

shock

i lived completely by myself for 3 months. now i live in an apt with 10 other girls. i sleep on a mattress on the floor at night in a room with 2 other girls and during the day lean the mattress against the wall. my stuff is stashed on top of wardrobes. there's a constant stream of polish all day long. shock to the senses. ahhhh!!!

today the worries on my mind... money... job... future journey. where am i going?

home... where will you be? who will you be?

i'm reading a biography about dietrich bonhoefer. it's good. next friday i have a concert in krakow. i need to sell cds.

the pause button

so i keep seeing all the status updates and new blog posts for my friends that are getting ready to go back to the states and it makes me miss all my home diggidies.

i talked to a girl yesterday that had just returned to poland after a few months of fund raising in the states. she said that everyone had changed and everything was different from when she was here before. i told her it's because she made a rookie mistake in international living. she totally forgot to push pause before she left.

i always push pause before i leave a place. it makes it easier to return to a place. all the people are the same just like i left them and all the places are the same and are still there. i know what to expect when i return. it's good. it's the best of both worlds. i can visit a new place and new people for a while and then know that i'm not missing anything on the other side of the world.

so for all you rookie international livers (liver tastes disgusting... why people want to eat the part of the animal that filters all the waste products is beyond me... but i digress)...

international livers and travelers in general... Always remember to push pause before you leave.

transition queen

it's time for another chapter marker for the adventures of lindsay. this time it's the break between poznan living sola and who knows what next. the chapter is seperated this time by the amazing roadtrip about to take place manana. it's time for a road trip. it's been too long.

so it's time for an evening of chips and guacamole and la cerveza mas fina!

no hablo espanol pero manana voy a barcelona, espana con mi amigo espanol... perdonme... mi amigo catalan. y que es un catalan. yo no se pero el es un sympaticzny facet ze nie mowi po polsku (tez nie mowie po polsku). bueno... comeremos tapas con la cerveza mas fina. todo esta mas fina despues de la cerveza mas fina. dog, si quieras un tiempo bueno, lo que necesitas es comer las enchilladas con carne en mexico con la cerveza mas fina.

pero primero, it's time for an evening of chips and guacamole and la cerveza mas fina!

hasta luego mis mofos!!!

The Computerless

Dear Computer-havers, the connected,

Last week my iPhone crashed for good. It crashed right after the warantee ran out. Couldn't have planned it better myself. After the initial shock of being cyberly stranded like on a deserted island, I've slowly been able to learn how to wander through life as a computer borrower.

My phone had my dictionaries, my library of books, my music, my journal, all my contacts and phone numbers, my emails, my skype, my camera and photo albums, my bus/tram time-tables, my expedia itinerary viewer, and everything else necessary for being connected globally from the palm of my hand while living like a turtle with my home on my back.

Today, I've been wandering through webpages of job listings. (I'm using an office computer at the coffee shop that I've been helping around with.) Most of the job listings deal with the use of a computer or something technological. Unless I get a computer in the near future with all the money I don't have, I'd have to borrow a computer several times a day to do these jobs.

I've now joined a new class of people... the computer borrowers... even worse...

The ComputerLess.

Yes, you know the ones that you see coming from a mile away just when you started that oh so very important email or your search for something interesting for the ump-teenth time that very hour. The ones that ask with a smile, "Can I borrow your computer?", just like you knew they would. You're never really sure if these people are interested in you as a person or just your computer, but really you never had the chance to get to know them because you couldn't find them on facebook to see their status updates and they were never on skype to chat with. So really it's not your fault that you don't know them. If they were better connected then you're sure that you would know them better. Yes, those are the ones I'm talking about. And as soon as they take your computer and hold it in their laps you just stare at the table that used to hold your computer safely. Suddenly you think of all the other million things you had on your internet-to-do list and you can hear the seconds ticking on the clock across the room... Dang, I wonder what the tempurature in Atlanta, Austin, Memphis, Nashville, Birmingham, Prague, Skopje, Krakow, London, Kiev, Lisbon, Lima, Rome and Richmond are right now? And I wonder who wrote to me on facebook, twitter, blogger Google Buzz, Google Talk, MSN messenger, Yahoo and AIM and how many emails I have now in my email inbox? What if someone had something important to tell me or an important question that was urgent and I don't have my computer to answer them immediately? Will they be ok without my response? Will they be mad at me? Will they forget about me and not need me any more when they find out they can ask someone else that's connected these questions? So then you try to continue your conversations that you were having from your computer with the other people in the room, but they don't really answer you because they're talking to someone else online and managing their life on their screen and suddenly inside you feel alone because it's silent.

The computerless need to find another computer to use because I need my life back.

Tent Maker

So I find myself in Poland again. It seems like I never really left. But really I think on the calendar there were 4 months spent in the states. Those 4 months feel kinda like a blur. Good and healing but intense and exhausting.

I came back to Poland to visit a friend. 3 days before my plane was supposed to return to Tennessee I realized that I didn't have a job or place to live when I got back to the states. Therefore, I reasoned, why not stay in Poland. Against wise counsel that I should go back to the states and make a plan for life in Poland and then return, I stayed.

Poland's always been in my heart. People ask me why Poland. I figure why not. For some reason since the first time I came here my heart has stayed here piece by piece. Finally I decided to just stay.

I found a place to stay until may. Now I'm looking for work. I've always felt that I was supposed to do the tent making thing. Now I finally get to do it but I'm realizing that I suck at the whole making part. I know how to sleep in a tent but to make it sucks. I was talking to a friend yesterday about her various trips with the company. I started to get jealous. She was talking about people giving her things and I thought... Dang I wish someone would just give me a job. I don't want money. I just want to continue eating and I want to be working. Geeez... I'm so selfish sometimes. For the past month people have given me a place to sleep. People have given me their friendship and kindness. They've fed me and helped me find my way around. I have been given much. And for much I am thankful.

So today I went to the open market and bought an old crappy bike. I was proud of myself for gettin it 20zl cheaper than the guy wanted to sell it for. Haha. My plan is to try to rebuild it and then sell it. We'll see how this business goes. Financial business partners welcome... Cough... Snort... Yaaa. Actually.

Having a bike made me smile today. I haven't smiled much in the last week. The life of a lonely traveler gets old I've found.

However I do have community here that I've never had in the states. They graciously let me help lead worship and prayer on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I love it and they have welcomed me and have been teaching me new songs in polish. And there's a group of American missionaries that have invited me to join them in ministry. I've started leading worship with them and helping the new baby m's find their way around the grocery store.

So that's what I'm doing. I hope all are well. Please pray for me that I'll find ways to make money. Pray that I'll have wisdom and courage and strength to work on poor relationships with people. Pray that I'll find someone to lease my car that's in Nashville.

Peace


-posted from my mo fo phone.

elephant

there's an elephant in the room.
i can see it between me and you.
could we talk about it and maybe choose,
to not go around but rather through?

krak house

TEFL?

long lost community... is it a dream? or is it real?

what if i didn't leave first this time?

what if i allowed myself to be left?

hey hot tea makes you warm after a long cold walk and wait for the bus. who knew? it's one of those long kept secrets of the polish people.