More Than A Name

...I want to see miracles. To see the world changed. Wrestle the angel for more than a name. More than a feeling. More than a cause... -Switchfoot

I have this song stuck in my head. I feel the pressure of change in my jaw like you feel the change of pressure in your ears. Ha.

Change change change.

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Connection... they finally hear me.

Umm... can I just say how sweet and terribly humbling it is to finally feel like I connect to these peeps? In the last 8 months, I have never felt this wonderfully welcomed into their community like I felt last week at camp. They call me "siostra" now... that's polish for "sister".

Last week was camp. We took 40 IWCers and 30 Roma peeps and some other peeps to the mountains for family camp week. Food sucked. Not gonna lie. Even the Poles didn't like it and the Roma turned it down. So I feel that as the picky American that my opinion of the food should be noted.

I found out last week like 2 days before camp that I had been asked to be the official worship leader for this week. Apparently in January that topic during the nonmeeting thing time that I showed up for wasn't important enough to make it in my long term memory. However, since I'm not a planner (meaning it wouldn't have mattered how early in advance i found out about it i still wouldn't have thought much about it until it was time to do it), it was a great surprise and i actually loved every minute of it.

We sang as one group that song "Give Me Jesus" in all 3 languages--polish, roma and english. God totally picked out that song and one of the translators as tools for leading the group in worship and unifying them as one body of Christ. While singing at the top of my lungs, I would just smile because I could hear all the voices in the room singing together in different languages. The Creator of languages came and breathed his presence and spirit out into our souls creating a unifying language. Ewa (in my address book i have her name as "Ewa Bogu" meaning "God's Ewa") sang next to me. Usually the prayers are translated, but I asked her in advance not to translate the prayers. I told her that my prayers shouldn't be spoken for the people in the room but for God. So I asked her to pray in polish after I prayed. It was so incredibly freeing because I knew that I was talking to God and not trying to extend some kind of sermon on all those that could hear me "praying". It was truly a moment to talk to God. It doesn't matter what language you are praying in because you can just sense God's presence so close when you're near someone praying whether it be out loud or to themselves. Hearing some of the Roma pray humbled my heart and led me to just breathe out prayers to the same God.

One day I played taxis driver. It was so much fun. As we went flying past the hotel on this windy mountain 2 lane road and as Sheila, my passenger, exclaimed, "that's the hotel!", I said, "I've got something to show you." Ha we flew through mountain passes for about 20min in the big blue VW van and finally after having our breath knocked out by the beauty, we arrived in Slovakia. I parked on the side of the highway. We jumped out and ran to the border. Got a picture by the sign. Then ran back to the van to make it back just in time for Obiad (lunch). haha... I love Slovakia. So beautiful.

This past month has been a time where I've truly felt in my life like the writer of psalm 23 when they said, "My cup overflows."

Home Church

I'm thankful that people have home churches to keep in contact with them and who support them from the states or send teams. I've done a great job at isolating myself.

At camp. Reminds me of the hill country in the sound of music. Beautiful. I'm leading worship tonight. I've met some cool ppl.

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Purpose

Why the hell am I here again?! I forget.

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The Ancient Way

I feel anxious these days. It's a time of waiting for answers and waiting to see if things will be a reality. Gosh growing up is hard to do. ha... So I was praying about it this morning and these words came to my mind. So I opened the word and this is what I read...

Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you fdiscern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

Jeremiah 6:16
Thus says the LORD:
Stand by the roads, and look,
and ask for the ancient paths,
where the good way is; and walk in it,
and find rest for your souls.

Skopje Pics

These are just some of the same ones that I put on Facebook...

Sweetness

Just to be useful for a week made the trip to Skopje, Macedonia worth every second. Not to mention that I got to walk in the Roma neighborhoods and shake kid's hands and say hello to them and watch them get excited to say hello in English. And also not to mention time praying and reading aloud God's word with someone who honestly desired to know God and to seek him early in the morning and late at night was like a sweet honey balm to my soul.

Community.

Something is missing if there is no one to sit and intimately study God's word with and pray with and sit in silence with and to sing and make music with.

This week the phrase "be still and know that I am God" was on my mind a lot. Being in the same room with other people who are ok with just sitting in silence while seeking God is rare but so beautiful.

I led worship for the first time in a while. I was humbled by the experience. I've gotten good at disconnecting myself from what I'm singing but Sunday night I couldn't do that. For a bit it was just me sitting at the feet of my Father. And then I heard the hearts of others pouring themselves out through the music to their Father. It was so humbling to be used and allowed to be a part of this moment. I left that moment hushed inside. I could've sat in silence for hours.

I wrote a new song. It's a few prayers put together. Me and Emily worked on a project too. She had a song translated into one of the Roma languages and we recorded it. Pictures to come later.

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Greater

I need to know that you are greater. I need to know that you will win. I need to hear it again that you who promised is faithful.

And I don't have to be like this. I can decide to be different. I can choose to be different. I can choose to live in truth and not fear.

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Kendine bak... Uwazaj na siebie

So I opened my Bible and was looking for something...
profound to say, to think, to feel, to write about

Inside it's like a raging sea. Everything's crashing against itself and I want to express it somehow but don't have words. Usually it's at night when the day's over that everything hits.

I got "excuse me"ed last night by a neighbor when I finished singing a song at 10:05pm. 5 minutes after the quiet hour does not mean it's necessary to shhhhh someone. It's not a habit of mine. I am usually quiet by 9:55pm if I'm playing my guitar at night. Geeezzzzz.... Anyways... I digress.

In Psalm 55 some descriptive words are...
restless,
oppression,
anguish,
terrors,
fear,
trembling,
overwhelms,

Then the writer says something that sounds like my life for the last few years...
"Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness;"

Then the writer says something that sounds like a conversation I've just started to open up...
"For it is not an enemy who taunts me--then I could bear it;"

I've started to revisit my high school years. All these songs that I used to sing week after week are coming back to my memory. Back then I couldn't remember the verses to save my life, but they're coming back from my memory with clarity that I never had before. Like volumes of lyrics that have been dormant for years are resurfacing. This morning I sang, "Lord Most High" and the "Many men will drink the rain" song.

The end... no concluding thoughts. It's time to go anyways. Could someone pray for my back. It's seriously hurting. Ugh... I need to strengthen it. Discipline thy self. holla.

Not so 4th of July

So it's the 4th of July and it doesn't feel like it really. Last night we had a grill on my balcony. I was preoccupied. Too much to think about. Too much to sit and wait around for.

Last week was a really good week. I was surrounded by supportive people. I wasn't so isolated. So it was good. Not to mention the amazing views and the sun that actually tans.

As always, this phrase is repeating itself...
"It's not the place, but the people in the place."

Back to the same old... ignoring it all and leaving it to silence.