disappointed

so apparently apartment finding has become more than a game of who's first to put a deposit on the new apt. apparently it's so much more complicated than that. i know about credit checks and needing a recommendation and such practices when seeking to rent an apt. however, recently i found myself in a screening process that has just confused the heck out of me.

me and my friend went to see an apt and we really liked it. it was the 2nd apt we had seen out of countless others that we could both afford and that we really liked and felt safe in when we were seeing it. so we expressed that we would like to rent it immediately. that's when we found out that there were other people interested in the apt but the couple renting it were going to choose who they liked the most for renting it out. i missed that detail of the competition aspect of the whole thing and had to be debriefed after we left. we were told that they would contact us in 2 days to let us know whether or not they'd picked us for the apt. i didn't even get a chance to suck up or anything.

the people met us for 10min. all they knew about us was that i work and ewa is finishing school. i'm american. we're both quiet and we don't smoke. other than that... i don't think they asked us anything else about ourselves. so that's what they had to base their decision on. today the guy finally called at 9p to tell us that they really liked us but were going to rent the apt to someone else. but if those people drop out then they'll call us and see if we're still interested. geez...

i need a home.

i've been living out of boxes and bags since the end of may. i paid rent this month but don't even have wardrobe space of my own... no wait... i have a shelf. geez... what the hell am i doing with my life?

ps... my dog got run over by a truck and my trailor burned down and all i've got is hot beer in the back of my broken down truck.

happy thanksgiving

merry christmas

happy new years

... i'm getting a head start on the end of the year.

still, quiet

i remember a few years ago seeing the shock and dismay displayed across a friend's face as i told him that i didn't want to go to the upcoming passion conference. he was in shock by the fact that i didn't feel the spiritual need to go to the conference. i didn't view the conference as a vital lifeline for my relationship with God.

this past sunday at church it was a pretty crazy scene. i could've sworn that at one point they were going to start dancing the thriller dance. people seemed moved and half out of their minds. it reminds me of david dancing naked in front of the ark or the disciples speaking in tongues at pentecost and being accused of being drunk.

but then last night i was laying in bed and listening to "found" by hillsong. the electronic piano/hammon sound took me to a place of longing to hear from God. then i heard the roar of heavy rain outside my window and for a second i wondered... God are you in the rain? then i saw myself sitting in the mouth of a cave hoping to hear God in the rain like elijah. but i didn't hear him in the rain. i didn't hear him in the fire of the church meeting last week.

at different times he does speak to us during times of rain, fire and violent winds. but sometimes he doesn't. sometimes he speaks in the quiet. in the stillness. in the quiet places of my heart where i can slow down and just sit and listen.

some things i'd like to hear from him about:
an apartment... safe place to live. home. my own space.
job... work. money.
purpose... i feel like i have purpose in life, but i get easily discouraged when i start to think of how my purpose isn't leading me to some kind of financial stability. i mean... i need a season of deposits into the bank account as opposed to the negatives that steadily get listed each day.
worship... where am i supposed to lead people? what does God want to teach me and where does he want to lead me so that i can lead and teach other people?

ok... that's all for the moment. peace.